Tiếp tục học cách improve một bài essay theo bốn tiêu chí của IELTS Writing task 2 nhé cả nhà!
IELTS Writing Task 2: A government’s role is only to provide defense capability and urban infrastructure (roads, water supplies,…). All other services (education, health, social security) should be provided by private groups or individuals in the community. What is your opinion?
WRITING TASK 2 SAMPLE:
Governments can only provide a limited range of services for citizens. Certain types of services, however, must be provided by governments, whereas both governments and private groups or individuals can share the responsibility to provide other services.
A government must provide those services which are essential to a country. These include defense capabilities and social security. Private enterprise and the profit motive should not form part of these essential services. On the other hand, some services could be providedby either governments or private groups or both. Education and health care are examples of such services. A government must provide at least a basic level of education and health care so all citizens can have access to them. Private enterprise, though, could also provideservices in these areas for those who wish to pay for them.
Urban infrastructure is another area where governments and private groups or individuals can share responsibility. Governments must build and maintain a system of roads, but toll roads can be built and road maintenance carried out by private contractors. Similarly, other infrastructure, such as water or electricity supply, can be operated by private companies.
To sum up, there are some services – such as defense and social security – which must be provided by government. Other services, for example water supply or education, could be provided by both governments and private enterprise. Consequently, it is not true to say that a government’s role is only to provide some services while others should be provided by the private sector. In fact, both governments and private groups can share in the provision of most services.
Các bạn có thể dễ dàng nhận thấy là bài writing sample trên sử dụng lặp từ khá nhiều (services, provide, private enterprises) nên sẽ bị đánh lỗi cho tiêu chí Lexical resource. Để khắc phục lỗi này chúng ta có thể paraphrase với các từ khác, ví dụ như supply, need, support, offer…
Xét về câu, đa số các câu ở đây đều là câu đơn và diễn đạt khá đơn giản trong khi chúng ta hoàn toàn có thể nối các câu này lại để giảm lặp từ và tăng độ complexity về ngữ pháp câu.
Ngoài ra, để tăng tính Coherence&Cohesion cho bài viết, nên có thêm phần nối giữa intro và paragraph đầu tiên nhé.
Dưới đây là improved version của paragraph đầu tiên, cả nhà tham khảo và thử thực hành sửa paragraph thứ hai xem sao nha!
There is no doubt that a government must supply essential needs to a country such asdefense capabilities and social security which are not allowed to be performed by private enterprises and the profit motive. On the other hand, some services could be provided by either governments or private groups or both. Take education and health as examples. It is necessary that the government should support at least a basic level of education and health care so all citizens can have access to them. Companies in the private sector, though, could also offer services in these areas for those who could afford and wish to pay for them.